August 1, 2016

A Pondering Birthday :: Starting Again ~ After Forty

My birthday happened little over a week ago, and if I could share a word of how I have felt for some time now. The word would be... stuck. I feel like the last two years of my life has been a roller coaster of miles and mud. Not in the sense of regretting the choices we have made, or the lessons we have learned... but in the sense of asking myself what have I really accomplished? Or more like what will the things I have learned be used for?  

How can I serve my Creator with them?

Truth, in two years I have learned more homesteading skills - such as; milking cows, goats and making cold pressed soap. Added to my canning skills, finished a portion of my herbal education and was up close and personal with an outdoor kitchen and composting toilet... even through a southern winter – it's cold. I have increased in my knitting abilities and have semi been in a relationship with a variety of garden climates... and soils.

These past two years, we know what it's like to have everything we own never fill a hundred square feet. My husband spent time in Israel, we met some really interesting and wonderful people... and have journeyed over two thousand miles. Ticks no longer make me wince, snakes however still cause me to flinch and I have continued to gather little items here and there that require no electricity. 

And I do praise my Father in Heaven for it, but I can't help but ponder.

Asking "why then do I feel stuck?" Why do I feel like we are in a place to begin again, about to be granted a do-over... or another go around. Why do I feel like this was all practice for something bigger, or does feeling this way happen to everyone who has crested forty a few years back and facing the reality of an empty nest?

By the Grace of God, I still have a good thirty to forty years on me... if I am blessed with similar longevity like grandma, then I have a good fifty years. Either way - a lot can happen in thirty or forty years.

 I realize that you never know what a day may bring... so what am I to do with it? I am not one to be idle and thrive... never have been. But I do know I am getting tired of moving, of my small collection of home making supplies being packed in a box... of putting forth a plan and then having it change. Of building relationships and then having them stretched or be dissolved.

Truly, I desire simplicity with a purpose. A direction, clearly defined. Space to breathe and room to think. A bed of my own, a garden that is closer than seven miles... a heart that would beat strong. The ability to focus on and invest in the remaining year/s that I have with my daughter at home. I desire deep rooted relationships, to cultivate time with my husband and the opportunity to sow good seed.

~ A place to be planted, so we can bloom!

No comments:

Post a Comment